ask ELLA MAE Ella Mae Gogel CEC-TAG Parent Committee Chair

The mother of an 8-year old, identified as gifted in verbal areas, writes, "My daughter has great difficulty making friends and maintaining friendships. Her teachers tell me that she and her classmates have few interests or academic abilities in common. I don't know how to help. I already take her to swimming, Brownie Scouts, dance and skating lessons each week. I can't do more commuting as I am a full time teacher. She seems to have only one recent friend. This girl is 10 and was retained in Grade 1. She is rejected by most students and I find it curious that my gifted daughter and this child who struggles academically are each other's only friends. Is there anything I can do?"

Ella Mae's Reply: Perhaps your daughter has chosen the older classmate as a friend because she is a safe ally who accepts your daughter's abilities without being threatened. Your daughter may choose to be a mentor and advocate for her friend. Her verbal and leadership skills might also lead her to a "take-charge" interaction with her other classmates. Role playing with your daughter can help her understand how she appears to others: your daughter becomes a classmate; you or a counselor become your daughter. For help with this process read the chapter on "Peer Relationships" in Guiding the Gifted Child by Webb, Meckstroth and Tolan (Ohio Psychology Press). Ask your daughter if there is one classmate she would like to invite to your home. It may help for your daughter to be seen in settings other than school. Can you stay to watch the swimming, dance and skating lessons? Are there children in these groups who might become friends? It could be helpful to meet the other parents who attend these classes. Above all, decide if four outside activities each week are more than you or your daughter really want. Be sure to use the driving time for listening to your daughter' interests and perceptions. It may take a third ear, but most parents have one. Best wishes.

The mother of a 5-year old son shares some of his conversation. He attends daily kindergarten. James: Music is supposed to be fun and school doesn't let it be. Why can't I read at school? I can read. I just sit and wait. School isn't fair; I need a day off. I found out the difference between boys and girls: girls have a pony-tail and blue eyes; boys have brown eyes, but you know there's got to be more to it than that. I'm doing research." His mother asks: "Shouldn't children have the right to be challenged? James plays chess with me, without a board, while we're driving. He taught himself multiplication. He wants to learn everything!"

Ella Mae's Reply: Yes, children do have a right to be challenged. Your letter shows the value of parents' keeping a diary of children's conversations, perceptions, interests and skills. Do meet with your son's teacher and share your records and anecdotes. Make every effort to establish a good relationship with her. Phrase James' statements as positively as you can and ask: "How can we work together to help James have an exciting and challenging year?" Ask, "Is there a time when he may read at school? Can he be given projects to explore and research? Can we find him a chess partner? Can we talk, at least weekly, so we can help James to stay interested in school?" If the teacher is not cooperative, you need to go up the ranks within the school. My choice would be the principal who could have the curriculum consultant, an early childhood specialist, and/or guidance counselor help meet the needs that James is exhibiting. Never give up in your continuing efforts for your son's education. Best wishes.