A mother writes: "Our 10-year-old daughter, identified as gifted, is a very high achiever, but she gets so frustrated when her idea of perfection is not reached. She crunches up a wastebasket of paper each evening while doing her homework. How can we help her be more accepting of her work?"

Perfectionism is a common characteristic of many children and gifted children often have a double dose. The need to be perfect may come from within the child, what she expects of herself, or what she thinks others expect of her. There may be external pressure from parents, teachers or classmates. Parents may be unaware that they are pushing. They may be giving excessive praise, or saying," "Maybe you'll do better next time". It may be a parent's quick scowl or a lifted eyebrow that the child sees as disappointment Parents themselves may be perfectionists, but unaware of it. Be appreciative and accepting of your daughter's work. Resist negative comments. Have fun together. Play board games so your daughter experiences losing now and then. Do speak with her teacher about her work habits at school. Visit her classroom to observe the atmosphere and interaction of the students! An entire book has been written on this subject It helps parents and teachers understand if they are promoting perfectionism or if the child is demanding it of herself. Perfectionism: What's Bad About Being Too Good? Miriam Adderholdt-Elliott, Ph.D. Free Spirit Publishing, Inc., 400 First Ave. N., Suite 616, Minneapolis, MN 55401- 1724. Phone: (800) 735-7323. 1987. A thorough treatment, with practical advice for parents. Examines why girls are especially prone to perfectionism.

Midwestern parents write: "A month after school started, our kindergarten son complained that there's nothing new, it's the same every day. We spoke with the teacher and she offered to plan a program for him. Several days after our school visit we received a letter from the principal: "We are sorry to inform you that gifted and talented children are not provided with programs until the third grade." Now our son's teacher called and asked me (mother) to represent kindergarten parents on a committee that looks at services needed in the school. Should I accept that position?

Yes, indeed, you should accept that position. The school is offering you an opportunity and that will mean lots of homework on your part. Learn all you can about gifted children and the many options for meeting their needs. Read the school's policies. Get to know the school board members. Stay positive always. Ask: "How can we increase the options for the various abilities of students in each classroom?" rather than "Why is there no gifted program for my son in kindergarten." At some point, ask why gifted programs are delayed until third grade. You will need to represent all the kindergarten parents, so you can't focus entirely on your son's needs. But you'll be there and you'll beheard. Using analogies is often effective: schools would not buy one shirt and blouse size for every student in kindergarten and insist that they wear it, whether it barely covered them, or drooped to their knees. Yet one program is offered and it must fit all. Waiting till third grade to provide programs for gifted is like binding children's feet so they can't walk and run until we want them to. The school seems to be saying, "He can't be gifted, till we're ready for him to be gifted." I think you can be an excellent representative on that school committee.

Here are several books that can help:

Your Gifted Child: How to Recognize and Develop the Special Talents in Your Child from Birth to Age Seven.
Joan Franklin Smutny, Kathleen Veenker, Stephen Veenker.
Facts on File
460 Park Avenue South
NY, NY
10016, 1989.
(Especially the check lists in Chapter 6, and Chapter 8, "Who's in Charge Here?").

Bringing Out the Best: A Resource Guide for Parents of Young Gifted Children. Jacqulyn Saunders with Pamela Espeland.
Free Spirit Publishing Inc.,
400 First Ave. N., Suite 616,
Minneapolis, MN 55401-1724. Phone:
(800) 735-7323.
Especially Chapter 11, "How to Be Your Child's Advocate in the School System".